The other night I spent 20 minutes staring at my bottle of medication. I know this sounds bizarre but this particular item possibly saved my life. If I hadn’t sucked up my pride and gotten it I cant imagine where I would be today. Even now that I’ve been off of it for 8 months successfully I cant bring myself to throw it away. Every time I think I am ready to free myself from it something happens. Another panic attack hits or I end up crying over the same things I did before, and I feel just as weak as I did a year ago. Its only a few moments of weakness before I put myself back together, but its enough to shake my faith. The faith that I can move forward in life without needing help to cope with life in general.
I guess I’m not being patient with my own recovery. It has improved to a 85/15 ratio of good to bad. I should be proud of that, but I feel like I should have accomplished more. I have mastered how to hide a panic attack though, it takes a decent amount of talent to do that. I cant lie, I am slightly proud of that.
I cant sleep once again, its been a long time since I have been on here. You know how when you try to sleep everything just whirls around in your head. I figured I would come to the place where no one sleeps. I doubt this will be a regular thing, still working on a few oddball quirks of mine. However I am doing alot better, surprisingly. I figured I would update the people that kept following me even though I dropped off the face of the earth for half a year.
First of all I dont like this feeling I’m having. I wish I knew what the hell was happening in my brain, and if it was going to straighten out or not. I’ve been numb all week, and it just went away. It was so sudden, one tiny thought is what sparked it all, and it wasnt even anything big but it consumed my brain until I went and did something stupid. I seriously just hate my brain, if I could fix it I would in a heartbeat. I need to stay as far away from my friends as I possibly can. I’m nothing but bad right now. I’m sick of bringing people down because of this stupid crap I’m dealing with. I’m done being a burden.
The only reason I’m even posting this is because its one sided. I get to talk, and it makes me feel so much better and it has the advantage of no one is going to be effected by it. Most likely my friends wont see it, therefore they wont worry about me. Plus if I dont get the thoughts out of my head then I do nothing but think….and thinking isnt good in this particular situation.
I’m going to go numb now, not think, and lay outside. It might be the only way for me to calm down.
Fitting title. Its never applied more in my life really. Honestly I never thought I would feel like this, and I wouldnt wish it on anybody else. I hate all the thoughts running through my head, the endless worries I have, just everything. My inability to brush stuff off. I hate so much about myself right now. I had a few brief moments of hope, where I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah a big ass rock fell at the end of that tunnel tonight. I had thoughts tonight, I never thought I would have in my life. I’ve never been through anything like this. I’ve never been this stressed out in my whole life and I’ve been through some tough shit, I think I’m as close to the edge as I can be without literally falling over it. What sucks even more, is that no matter what I do…I just cant do anything right. I have everything in the world going through my head right now and I dont have anyone to talk to. No one. I have a few people that would listen, maybe if it wasnt so late. But no one understands what I’m going through. The one person that does know what it feels like still doesnt know exactly how I feel. I’m freaking alone. Its one in the morning and everyone is asleep, hell even if they were awake I wouldnt be able to talk to them. They would think I was crazy, fuck I’m starting to think I might be too. Obviously I am doing everything wrong, no matter what I do it always ends with the same result. Shit going bad, it never fails. I used to be an optimist, I could see the good in every possible situation and genuinely feel that it would turn out good. However, now everything has changed. I’m going to fucking fail this semester because of all this bullshit my brain is producing. I’m so sick of feeling like this. Its ridiculous how done I am with this feeling. All the hurt, and all the problems I keep having. I’m sick of crying over everything, and the messed up thing is that I dont cry unless it really hits me hard. Like hits my soul, it means that its hurt I cant even control….and I’m really good at controlling it. I’ve cried on a daily basis for way too long now. I dont know what I did to deserve all of this, I really dont. My main goal in life is to be a good person, a good friend, and I am. I try to be the best person I can be. Well tonight my character was attacked, I was accused of things I would never do. Not even to a stranger, especially to a person I love. Like the title says I’m not o-fucking-kay. I’m so far from okay I might as well not be alive right now….I hate to say that. I dont want to be dead, but I want to be in a permanent, dreamless sleep. Thats what I want. No homework, no anything. If people want to think I am crazy they can, I dont even care right now. Honestly I dont care about much right now. I’m sick of not having control over how I feel, no matter how hard I try, it just doesnt work. My brain overrides any effort I put forward. Its fucking ridiculous. I’m going to pass out now, and pray that tomorrow is better. Honestly I dont know if I can handle anymore bad days. I know no one is probably going to read this, maybe thats better than people knowing how crazy I actually am.
